I don't really know how you guys are putting up with this summer, but i can only descriebe it in one word : heat. Even as we speak, i can feel a drop of sweat on my forehead dripping as if it's trying to catch up with my heart rhythm. To be honest, i believe the heat had given me some brain damage, more or else, for i have the impression that i don't have any more impressions. I have been looking blankly into my screen at this blog for days now and i'm wondering " wow, is there anything at all i feel like sharing with the world lately?". The answer to that question is that the world is probably too busy for my thoughts anyway. The world is busy booking plane tickets to exotic destinations, making plans about the month of august, burning car cd's with the latest summery hits. The world is busy trying to find a meaning for its own existence. Don't you ever feel that when you look down on the view of a city from an airplane that it's all so small? All the lives living there or pretending to live, all the houses, all the noise, all the moments, don't they seem insignificant to your own destination, whichever that may be in life? To think sometimes you're the leading role in the movie of your life, not even knowing there are so many stunt actresses or figurants you never knew about but which definetly had an impact on the movie all together through some crazy indirect action? I sometimes wonder if there's anybody out there who doesnt know a thing about me but who will change the course of my life forever in the future. And i wonder if that person wonders about this too. I wonder if we're only 'two lost souls swiming in a fishbowl'.
What am i searching for anyway?

Stop reading my post!

So damn it!

Get out!

Live your life!

Stop thinking about the smallest problem you have now but of which you're certain is the biggest!

Start over!

Leave everything behind if you feel like it!

You can be anything you want to be!

Fuck it, i'm out of here. I'm off to change the world. See you there.

Time has no friends.

06.30 am - My alarm rings.

06.45 am - I finally get out of bed. The sun feels too bright again.

06.50 am - I can hear the water pouring into the sink as i wash my face.

06.51 am - I look into the mirror. White skin..perfectly sculptured face..clear green eyes full of possibility.

07.00 am - I hear the door closing behind me. Alot of green in the horizon.

07.00 am - 22.00 pm - noisy cars, music tracks, friendly figures, less friendly figures, books, deadlines, iced mocha, kissing, torn up dresses, cigarettes, flashing lights, music tracks, noisy cars

22.10 - I hear the door closing in behind me. The house looks empty.

22.25 - I hear the water running down the sink.

22.26 - I wash my face. I look into the mirror. White skin..less perfectly sculptured face..clear green eyes one day lacking possibility.

100 years from now this house belongs to somebody else. The walls have a different shape. The photographs are kept in a box though nobody clearly remembers what their story is. Mine is there too i guess. A feminine shaped figure, with white skin, clear green eyes full of possibility. We only stay perfect for one blink of an eye.

Lowlife

So right now I'm in the kitchen, trying to re'do the dinner menu, since i was so overwhelmed with my thoughts that i burned the first attempt. I like to cook.

And as i was cleaning up the leftover expressionist masterpiece on the counter, i started to wonder..about something i once heard ..god, what was it again? See, let's pretend you're on death row. What would you want your last meal to be? (Smile) , i think i'd choose a chocolate cake. I love chocolate you know. I think it's my most intense vice. Other than my music that is. And speaking so..if you were on death row, what song would you like to last listen to? Tell me, what?

While cutting the tomatoes with a firm movement, i glanced at the knife, simply because i saw the reflection of my own eyes in the blade and for a moment it startled me. So indeed, there is a last time for everything. Do you ever think about that?

What book will be the last one you read? what movie will be the last one you see ? whose lips you're last going to kiss? We're all on death row you know..

I know you're not ready to live, but are you ready to die?

Murder on the dancefloor

Lately my life has become a chain of parties that seem to stop only to make room for others. It's incredibile, really. I have never acted my age, ever since i've known myself, mainly for the reason that i often considered such hedonist activities way beneath my intelectual depth. I guess that would explain why i almost never went to parties in highschool, why I was always the "boring" one who rathered read a book or have a conversation about philosophy than go out. It's amazing how even though i was always so picky with the intelectual abilities of the people who surounded me, I still always managed to be desired in almost any group of people i've met, whether they proved to be luxorious and snobish or poor but adventurous , intelectuals or full of shalowness, you name it. It's mostly because i believe a real intelligent human being can ajust to any type of situation and person.

And as I was saying, lately I've started exploring new sides of my personality that i didn't even know existed. Or let me rephase that - I knew they existed but i definetly never thought they would respond to such stimulus.

Ok, so I finally started acting like i'm in my twenties, mostly for an experiment to prove myself i am capable of that. But even so, after all the flashy lights, the loud music that sounded like noise, the drinking and smoking and making out with women against my better judgement only because "it's fun", after all the frenzy, i find myself lying in bed the next day, smoking slowly but with imense passion a cigarette while contemplating about the drug of this sweet exhaustion upon one's body, mind, life. And i realised that in such states you forget about yourself, about your issues, about yesterday or tomorrow. It's just another method people use in order to distract themselves from recognising their own reality. They convince themselves they're "living on the edge", that they're enjoying every second like there's no tomorrow, when in fact they are all lonely souls hoping the next bar they will show up at will host that incredible happiness they're looking for. And you end up in the company of some guy that buys you a drink, have sex with in his car, and never call him/hear from him again. And it's all fun, it's all excitement..untill you wake up. That's when you look around and you realise the room you were in last night looked better from what you remembered it to be, a bit more colourfull, a bit more misterious..just a bit more. Kinda like what you remember your life to be ,last time you took the time to check.

Mercy on the raindrops

Today the rain sounds like "Use somebody". Not KOL, but Tyler Hilton's cover on the piano.

It's so weird..every breath i take is calm, well-measured, as if it's trying to synchronize with the drops exploding at the touch of my window. It's funny, in my native language we have a saying that states such a weather is perfect only for making babies. But who could think of love now in some ordinary form it may occur to you, when such feelings are so overated even by your own heart? We forget how to love. We forget the thrill of those "incredibly-amazing-butterflies-in-your-stomache-tingling-in-your-toes" types of kisses. We get too caught up in the long run for existence. We lie to ourselves and we fake love just like a whore you pick up off the streets fakes orgasms after orgasms. Or like any life'less human soul for that matter.

Be with me, touch my reality, taste my air.* Let's conspire to ignite all the souls that would die..just to feel alive*. Or at least, live like you mean it. A life you don't live is still lost.

I'm a little divided ,

, you see. I'm lucky enough to live two lives. One is the every-day reality that most people find me in and the other one is through these words. I dare say, almost all the people with whom i interact daily cannot see so deep as to even recognise me in these short virtual confessions. Do you have that? The feeling that this capitalistic society makes you adopt a practical, pragmatic attitude as to "fitt in", but in fact, it actually drowns your spirit in shallowness?

I get sad, sometimes, you know. It's because i know, i feel with all my being that i could do greater things in my life than choose the expected expectations : the job, the familly, the friends, the house, everything as " it should be". I wish i had the courage to devote my life to a purpose so pure that in no matter what form it shall be materialised, it will live forever. And people will apreciate me because i left something valuable behind.

~I woke one morning and I felt such a sence of posibility that I thought " this is the begining of happiness", but what i wasn't aware of at that time is that That was happiness. Right there. That moment~ .

I sence that i am letting my spirit die in full awareness of my situation. I seize to find something that speaks to my heart, a person who can understand this by looking into my eyes and seing more than their own desires of what i could be. I wish somebody could understand how much i feel the need for emotional depth without the chains of mass uniformisation.

Hello? Anynone?

V.W.

I admitt I have always been fascinated by the novels i read, the movies I've seen, the music I've listened to. But nothing of the sort comes close to the thrill a real event could inflict on me, a life or a fact that actually took place in this reality and therefore, in my opinion, has modified the course of actions of all the other future elements in time. A dear friend of mine once emphasized the idea by saying to me something of the sort : "let's say that every present-living-life is a coloured wire. And let's say that all these wired interact somehow and create this chaotic string-like-masterpiece which we call destiny. Every wire in this picture influences the position of all the others, even though it meets with some wires only in one point or none and with others in several. Without One of any of these wires, the curent form of the masterpiece wouldn't exist."

I truly believe that everything that has made a big impression on me has influenced me in such a way that led me here: to this moment, to this chilly-blossoming-may-night where i sit in my attic-type of room and write behind my laptop, seding my thoughts into this void.

So i wouldn't make a too long philosophical analasys on my perception of time and space, I'll just dedicate this post to what captured my attention, again, today.

I finished this new book. It is entitled "Mrs Dalloway" by Virginia Woolf. Curious enough, the life of this particular novelist has always haunted my thoughts, reading biographies and watching movies like The Hours, trying to capture a shallow esence of this incredible personality of the 20th century. Her novels capture themes of Feminism, Lesbianism,Mental Illnesses and Existential Issues. Her themes sum up the life Virginia Woolf led. She was raised in the "good" society of England, among a familly of novelists and was therefore introduced to the english literature from early childhood. She was abused by her step brothers, and that plus the deaths of her parents led to the start of a chain of depressions which ultimately led to her suicide.

She killed herself placing rocks into her pockets and finally drowning herself in the lake of her estate. Her body was found almost half a month later. In her final letter to her husband she wrote :

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V. "

I never could help but imagine that Mrs Dalloway was an alter-ego of Virginia Woolf. A joyfull person who saw the suicide of Septimus as an embracement of life, who's charm and joie de vivre always fascinated Peter Walsh which has always descriebed her with the repeting phrase "There she was" , a person who remains light even when realising her marriage is a lie..the strong, optimistic part of Virginia who unfortunetly was not strong enough to overcome all the other elements of her existence.

Come as you are

Lately for some reason i couldn't help listening to Nirvana more than i usually do. No, not necesarilly because it's a classic, but because i gained interest in the death of vocal leader -Kurt Cobain. I've always known how the rock idol of the X generation died, and to be honest i've always found the lyrics of my favorite song , ironic. "Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be, as a friend, as a known memory. Take your time, hurry up, the choice is yours (..) and i swear, I don't have a gun ".

As the intrigue grew on me, i started looking up for photos, started watching live performances, started analysing every movement of his and as i was doing so, i kept thinking..damn, they invented grunge". An enormous respect that i cannot even begin to measure always had a place in my heart for this band mostly because in only 4-5 years managed to change the lives of an entire generation that was already born and another one yet to come.

After found dead in his apartment, shot to the head, a note was soon discovered and was later proclaimed a suicidal letter that stated the artist's reasons to put an end to his life.

"I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing . . . for too many years now".

I wish he knew that their music saved me from myself so many times and continues to do so with so many people in this world. For me,personally, his legacy was the simple, but yet so difficult to have thought of myself in it's esence, "Come as you are". And i did.

I am a one way motorway, the one that drives away

Open windows to feel you're flying on the "lost highway", wind in your face to feel as if you're "back in the athmosphere with drops of jupiter in your hair", your blood burning up inside as if "your sex is on fire", full speed ahead as if "our time is running out", laughing as if "you're on to something or you must be dreaming"..

"...it's times like these you learn to live again,
it's times like these you give and give again,
it's times like these you learn to love again,
it's times like these time and time again"

Personal lullaby

Don't you ever feel stuck in one moment of your life? As if you're behind a wall that separates tomorrow from today and no matter how you try you simply cannot see past it? It's because you're too consumed with yourself today about your entire existence that your whole tomorrow-self is questionable. It's such a complex awareness of your state that there's no song for it. Just mixtures of lyrics. Today Rock and Roll can't save the world, you might think. There's no Jimi Hendrix, no Janis Joplin, no Travis or The Verve. Today one particular song can't make sence as much as you might wish it would. It's because you can't hear anything but the sound of your tears rushing through your cheeks and neck and the beat of your a-rhythmical heart. You're too messed up to hear the music. But it's because of this state where the sun is trying to kill the moon that you capture the esence - it's a guitar solo overcome by piano keys, Bittersweet Simphony combined with Kissing in the rain that leads to Shine on you crazy diamond and Summertime.

You're confused so you try to stop yourself for a moment and put your ideas in order. " Again, was it ~ I know you didn't bring me out here to drown so why am I ten feet under and upside down~ or was it ~ Staying awake to chase a dream, tasting the air you're breathing in~ ? " Which one were you feeling a moment ago? Which bit was in your head? Doesn't matter cause in the next moment it's something else.

Rock'n'Roll just saved you again. Now you can fast-forward to "I think our lives have just begun". Your tomorrow that is.

There's got to be more to life

I woke up angry today about the world and all the indiference in it.

I'm a Wikipedia freak so i read non stop almost anything , and usually an article leads me to another so that's how i ended up all the way from The Big Bang to The Permiac Triassic Extinction Event ,which ultimately sent me to some creepy movement which does exist in the world and actually has quite a few followers and which promotes The Extinction of the Human Species through the lack of procreation because " The Planet would so be so much better off without humans". What f*cked up people could possibly dedicate their lives to such a cause? I'm not even going to give any arguments in order to sustain my opinion about how incredible it is to find out something like this exists and that there are people who believe in it. It's too polemical.

After this episode i thought : ok, Wikipedia isn't being nice today so i shut it down and started reading international newspapers , mostly articles regarding the swine influenza which is affecting Mexico and the U.S. Of course, the authorities are leaving public statements that it's not a pandemic, that it does not regard any global threat and so on. But I can't help thinking about the Spanish Influenza in 1918 that started with the same statements and led to a global disaster. The spanish flu also started and mostly affected the U.S. but then it spread all over the world. It's funny how all this took place in the same year the First World War did. Not to mention that the virus which spread mostly affected young , perfectly healthy people with impecable imunity systems, though that particular virus generally only affects young children and elders. In other words, the active population, capable of procreating and fighting in the war, as many soldiers died by contracting the bird flu.

" I had a little bird, It's name was Enza.

So i opened the window, and in-flew-enza."

You can't help but wonder whether a pandemic like this is an incredibly bad accident or a biological weapon. After all, a biological threat is always existent and dare i call it, "the invisible enemy".

And then i packed my things, got out of the house. The sun was shining brightly . I looked around. I saw the ignorance. I put my sunglasses on and my headphones in.

So, "when the world gets in my face, i say Have a nice day! ".

Sense & sensibility vs Pride & prejudice

I never could understand exactly why i have always been drawn to Jane Austen's novels ever since i was a little girl, mostly because everytime i read them again i saw the whole picture through other eyes. This thought occured to me this night again while I had the priviledge to catch Sense and Sensibility on Tv, soon after I simply couldn't help myself to search in my old video tapes (yes, next to the dvd we still have a vcr, incredible as it may sound) for the 1940's version of Pride and Prejudice.

I admitt I've always been a helpless romantic in my heart , though I haven't shown it in my real life since I haven't had the oportunity to do so yet.

While I was always fascinated by the two alter ego's of Jane Austen, her rational-calm-proper side and the passionate-romantic-dare to say wild one, the two Dashwood sisters have always reached the highest admiration i could have for a character, therefore i never could imagine one without the other and have always imagined them as an ensemble. It was always a pleasure to see their oposite, yet so much alike features and i admitt i never could help crying over Mr. Ferras's proposal at the end of the movie/book.

Even so, it's so very clear to me that my favorite novel and movie(s) will always be Pride and Prejudice. I almost never know whether Mr Darcy and Elizabeth will end up together or not. Don't get me wrong, if you were to know me, you would probably think of me as the most rational person on the planet when it comes to matters of the heart, but deep down I've always dreamt of being swept off my feet by a misterious, intelligent and yet somehow arogant man like Mr Darcy. Maybe that's because I've always seen myself as Miss Bennet, a bit too aware of everything that's been going on in the world and who maybe thought I knew it all untill being surprised by life.

But that's yet to happen to me.

I need music to live

I started this post with " ok, so who could honestly disagree with me when i say music could be the salvation of one's soul at a certain moment in their life?". The answer came to me shortly after. Probably alot of people!

But then there's us - the music freaks. The "Rock'n'Roll can save the world" People.

Alot of persons would maybe not understand almost an epileptic crisis when you come to touch a new record, but for us it's the most decent thing to do when you come across the new Muse Album for example.

Music is like this magical force that is able to change your mood totally through a song.

I, for example, can't deny how Move Along from The All American Rejects makes me feel I can jump off a building and still be fine, how the guitar solo from Supermassive Black Hole gives me some sence of power and sex appeal that I barely recognise in myself, how I can't help but feel a hopeless romantic when listening to Flightless Bird, American Mouth from Iron & Wine, how the world just seems perfect with Beautiful Day from U2 or how the piano from 9 Crimes instantly makes me sad.

But then there's that One signature song that just defines you in some way so deeply ,that even though you discovered it in '98 in a childish way called VH1, just sticks to the core. Yeah, those are the words that make sence to us when nothing else does, when you feel you're in the movie of your life and in that particular scene, you've found your soundtrack.

Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls. I guess they didn't call the album Dizzy up the Girl for nothing.

So which one is yours?

City of Blinding Lights

Today I thought all day of Paris. No, not Paris Hilton, not the character from the ancient greek play, though who could think of that option other than me right now (?) , but Paris the capital of France, the city where fashion is created right around the corner literally at a street runway, where you dont drink your coffee with muffins, but you eat your muffins with coffee, where the wind sounds like City of Blinding Lights ( the live version), where (..), basically where life happens.
I came back less than a month ago from Paris again. I am seriously considering the fact that i might have been parisian in a past life since I need it in order to feel alive. It might sound like something a teenage-enthusiastic might say, who's probably watched Eurotrip too many times, but it is as true as every one of you.
That might explain why my room has porcelain dolls even though toys don't work for me, musical boxes though they're so last century, real paintings and black and white photographs of the Montmartre Stairway, or maybe hand-made drawings of La Tour Eiffel and Le Notre Dame in spring. Oh, and a scent of cinnamon. People who've been there know what i mean when I say your hands smell aprox. 10 minutes like vanilla and cinnamon after finishing eating the muffin you bought at Paul's - Les Champs Ellysees.
All the future posts in my blog wouldn't be enough for me to capture the esence and magic of Paris. Let's just keep it simple :
1. Musee d'Orsay ( Expressionist Painters )
2. Fashion (Fashion Week + you can't help love the Vogue edition in french)
3. History of basic everything ( don't get me started on the French Revolution or The Royal Houses)
4. La Sorbonne ( As a future jurist it's the sweetest dream).
5. Music - Coldplay this summer , though i'll see it in Amsterdam.

Last thing on the agenda : see Paris through the eyes of your loved one.
"Quand il me prend dans ses bras, il me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose"

Chapter 1, Page 1

It's peculiar. I started writting this initially in my native language, realising shortly after that i don't even recognise that voice of mine. To begin with the begining of my virtual life which starts right now, i am born.
Creating this new world where I'm not allowed myself to enter is rather difficult. What I mean by that, no matter what i shall write, think or feel in this virtual box will be the very esence of my being, shallow or deep at the moment, and it will never reflect my entire way of life, therefore I, as the complexity of numerous factors, will always be a stranger to the soul caught between these words, a stranger just like any other person that might come across and read these phrases for the first time.
I couldn't help but actually ask myself : why a blog? why do people decide to write blogs? What do they actually get out of it - self esteem, accomplishment of some sort, praise from people who aren't interested in praising you in the first place? Or maybe some are simply lonely or scared and this seems the perfect way to hide and still be able to have a voice and pour their heart out without having to face it in their real existence. Maybe it's just a trend.
To be completly and irrevocably honest, though yes,i know the Edit Button exists, I'm not sure why i pressed Create Blog in the first place, but i guess deep down I'm hoping somebody will read whatever i might feel to confess about the world and that would change their entire perception about reality, even if it's just for a few minutes.
I'll try to gather here my most important memories that have influenced me in such a way that led me here. New or old ones, dear and close to me or not, images of my past which used to have something "touchable" about them , but now are just shadows in the form of flashes of all the things that used to be.
I believe that I'll be sleeping with ghosts.