Murder on the dancefloor

Lately my life has become a chain of parties that seem to stop only to make room for others. It's incredibile, really. I have never acted my age, ever since i've known myself, mainly for the reason that i often considered such hedonist activities way beneath my intelectual depth. I guess that would explain why i almost never went to parties in highschool, why I was always the "boring" one who rathered read a book or have a conversation about philosophy than go out. It's amazing how even though i was always so picky with the intelectual abilities of the people who surounded me, I still always managed to be desired in almost any group of people i've met, whether they proved to be luxorious and snobish or poor but adventurous , intelectuals or full of shalowness, you name it. It's mostly because i believe a real intelligent human being can ajust to any type of situation and person.

And as I was saying, lately I've started exploring new sides of my personality that i didn't even know existed. Or let me rephase that - I knew they existed but i definetly never thought they would respond to such stimulus.

Ok, so I finally started acting like i'm in my twenties, mostly for an experiment to prove myself i am capable of that. But even so, after all the flashy lights, the loud music that sounded like noise, the drinking and smoking and making out with women against my better judgement only because "it's fun", after all the frenzy, i find myself lying in bed the next day, smoking slowly but with imense passion a cigarette while contemplating about the drug of this sweet exhaustion upon one's body, mind, life. And i realised that in such states you forget about yourself, about your issues, about yesterday or tomorrow. It's just another method people use in order to distract themselves from recognising their own reality. They convince themselves they're "living on the edge", that they're enjoying every second like there's no tomorrow, when in fact they are all lonely souls hoping the next bar they will show up at will host that incredible happiness they're looking for. And you end up in the company of some guy that buys you a drink, have sex with in his car, and never call him/hear from him again. And it's all fun, it's all excitement..untill you wake up. That's when you look around and you realise the room you were in last night looked better from what you remembered it to be, a bit more colourfull, a bit more misterious..just a bit more. Kinda like what you remember your life to be ,last time you took the time to check.

Mercy on the raindrops

Today the rain sounds like "Use somebody". Not KOL, but Tyler Hilton's cover on the piano.

It's so weird..every breath i take is calm, well-measured, as if it's trying to synchronize with the drops exploding at the touch of my window. It's funny, in my native language we have a saying that states such a weather is perfect only for making babies. But who could think of love now in some ordinary form it may occur to you, when such feelings are so overated even by your own heart? We forget how to love. We forget the thrill of those "incredibly-amazing-butterflies-in-your-stomache-tingling-in-your-toes" types of kisses. We get too caught up in the long run for existence. We lie to ourselves and we fake love just like a whore you pick up off the streets fakes orgasms after orgasms. Or like any life'less human soul for that matter.

Be with me, touch my reality, taste my air.* Let's conspire to ignite all the souls that would die..just to feel alive*. Or at least, live like you mean it. A life you don't live is still lost.

I'm a little divided ,

, you see. I'm lucky enough to live two lives. One is the every-day reality that most people find me in and the other one is through these words. I dare say, almost all the people with whom i interact daily cannot see so deep as to even recognise me in these short virtual confessions. Do you have that? The feeling that this capitalistic society makes you adopt a practical, pragmatic attitude as to "fitt in", but in fact, it actually drowns your spirit in shallowness?

I get sad, sometimes, you know. It's because i know, i feel with all my being that i could do greater things in my life than choose the expected expectations : the job, the familly, the friends, the house, everything as " it should be". I wish i had the courage to devote my life to a purpose so pure that in no matter what form it shall be materialised, it will live forever. And people will apreciate me because i left something valuable behind.

~I woke one morning and I felt such a sence of posibility that I thought " this is the begining of happiness", but what i wasn't aware of at that time is that That was happiness. Right there. That moment~ .

I sence that i am letting my spirit die in full awareness of my situation. I seize to find something that speaks to my heart, a person who can understand this by looking into my eyes and seing more than their own desires of what i could be. I wish somebody could understand how much i feel the need for emotional depth without the chains of mass uniformisation.

Hello? Anynone?

V.W.

I admitt I have always been fascinated by the novels i read, the movies I've seen, the music I've listened to. But nothing of the sort comes close to the thrill a real event could inflict on me, a life or a fact that actually took place in this reality and therefore, in my opinion, has modified the course of actions of all the other future elements in time. A dear friend of mine once emphasized the idea by saying to me something of the sort : "let's say that every present-living-life is a coloured wire. And let's say that all these wired interact somehow and create this chaotic string-like-masterpiece which we call destiny. Every wire in this picture influences the position of all the others, even though it meets with some wires only in one point or none and with others in several. Without One of any of these wires, the curent form of the masterpiece wouldn't exist."

I truly believe that everything that has made a big impression on me has influenced me in such a way that led me here: to this moment, to this chilly-blossoming-may-night where i sit in my attic-type of room and write behind my laptop, seding my thoughts into this void.

So i wouldn't make a too long philosophical analasys on my perception of time and space, I'll just dedicate this post to what captured my attention, again, today.

I finished this new book. It is entitled "Mrs Dalloway" by Virginia Woolf. Curious enough, the life of this particular novelist has always haunted my thoughts, reading biographies and watching movies like The Hours, trying to capture a shallow esence of this incredible personality of the 20th century. Her novels capture themes of Feminism, Lesbianism,Mental Illnesses and Existential Issues. Her themes sum up the life Virginia Woolf led. She was raised in the "good" society of England, among a familly of novelists and was therefore introduced to the english literature from early childhood. She was abused by her step brothers, and that plus the deaths of her parents led to the start of a chain of depressions which ultimately led to her suicide.

She killed herself placing rocks into her pockets and finally drowning herself in the lake of her estate. Her body was found almost half a month later. In her final letter to her husband she wrote :

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V. "

I never could help but imagine that Mrs Dalloway was an alter-ego of Virginia Woolf. A joyfull person who saw the suicide of Septimus as an embracement of life, who's charm and joie de vivre always fascinated Peter Walsh which has always descriebed her with the repeting phrase "There she was" , a person who remains light even when realising her marriage is a lie..the strong, optimistic part of Virginia who unfortunetly was not strong enough to overcome all the other elements of her existence.

Come as you are

Lately for some reason i couldn't help listening to Nirvana more than i usually do. No, not necesarilly because it's a classic, but because i gained interest in the death of vocal leader -Kurt Cobain. I've always known how the rock idol of the X generation died, and to be honest i've always found the lyrics of my favorite song , ironic. "Come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be, as a friend, as a known memory. Take your time, hurry up, the choice is yours (..) and i swear, I don't have a gun ".

As the intrigue grew on me, i started looking up for photos, started watching live performances, started analysing every movement of his and as i was doing so, i kept thinking..damn, they invented grunge". An enormous respect that i cannot even begin to measure always had a place in my heart for this band mostly because in only 4-5 years managed to change the lives of an entire generation that was already born and another one yet to come.

After found dead in his apartment, shot to the head, a note was soon discovered and was later proclaimed a suicidal letter that stated the artist's reasons to put an end to his life.

"I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music, along with really writing . . . for too many years now".

I wish he knew that their music saved me from myself so many times and continues to do so with so many people in this world. For me,personally, his legacy was the simple, but yet so difficult to have thought of myself in it's esence, "Come as you are". And i did.

I am a one way motorway, the one that drives away

Open windows to feel you're flying on the "lost highway", wind in your face to feel as if you're "back in the athmosphere with drops of jupiter in your hair", your blood burning up inside as if "your sex is on fire", full speed ahead as if "our time is running out", laughing as if "you're on to something or you must be dreaming"..

"...it's times like these you learn to live again,
it's times like these you give and give again,
it's times like these you learn to love again,
it's times like these time and time again"