Personal lullaby

Don't you ever feel stuck in one moment of your life? As if you're behind a wall that separates tomorrow from today and no matter how you try you simply cannot see past it? It's because you're too consumed with yourself today about your entire existence that your whole tomorrow-self is questionable. It's such a complex awareness of your state that there's no song for it. Just mixtures of lyrics. Today Rock and Roll can't save the world, you might think. There's no Jimi Hendrix, no Janis Joplin, no Travis or The Verve. Today one particular song can't make sence as much as you might wish it would. It's because you can't hear anything but the sound of your tears rushing through your cheeks and neck and the beat of your a-rhythmical heart. You're too messed up to hear the music. But it's because of this state where the sun is trying to kill the moon that you capture the esence - it's a guitar solo overcome by piano keys, Bittersweet Simphony combined with Kissing in the rain that leads to Shine on you crazy diamond and Summertime.

You're confused so you try to stop yourself for a moment and put your ideas in order. " Again, was it ~ I know you didn't bring me out here to drown so why am I ten feet under and upside down~ or was it ~ Staying awake to chase a dream, tasting the air you're breathing in~ ? " Which one were you feeling a moment ago? Which bit was in your head? Doesn't matter cause in the next moment it's something else.

Rock'n'Roll just saved you again. Now you can fast-forward to "I think our lives have just begun". Your tomorrow that is.

There's got to be more to life

I woke up angry today about the world and all the indiference in it.

I'm a Wikipedia freak so i read non stop almost anything , and usually an article leads me to another so that's how i ended up all the way from The Big Bang to The Permiac Triassic Extinction Event ,which ultimately sent me to some creepy movement which does exist in the world and actually has quite a few followers and which promotes The Extinction of the Human Species through the lack of procreation because " The Planet would so be so much better off without humans". What f*cked up people could possibly dedicate their lives to such a cause? I'm not even going to give any arguments in order to sustain my opinion about how incredible it is to find out something like this exists and that there are people who believe in it. It's too polemical.

After this episode i thought : ok, Wikipedia isn't being nice today so i shut it down and started reading international newspapers , mostly articles regarding the swine influenza which is affecting Mexico and the U.S. Of course, the authorities are leaving public statements that it's not a pandemic, that it does not regard any global threat and so on. But I can't help thinking about the Spanish Influenza in 1918 that started with the same statements and led to a global disaster. The spanish flu also started and mostly affected the U.S. but then it spread all over the world. It's funny how all this took place in the same year the First World War did. Not to mention that the virus which spread mostly affected young , perfectly healthy people with impecable imunity systems, though that particular virus generally only affects young children and elders. In other words, the active population, capable of procreating and fighting in the war, as many soldiers died by contracting the bird flu.

" I had a little bird, It's name was Enza.

So i opened the window, and in-flew-enza."

You can't help but wonder whether a pandemic like this is an incredibly bad accident or a biological weapon. After all, a biological threat is always existent and dare i call it, "the invisible enemy".

And then i packed my things, got out of the house. The sun was shining brightly . I looked around. I saw the ignorance. I put my sunglasses on and my headphones in.

So, "when the world gets in my face, i say Have a nice day! ".

Sense & sensibility vs Pride & prejudice

I never could understand exactly why i have always been drawn to Jane Austen's novels ever since i was a little girl, mostly because everytime i read them again i saw the whole picture through other eyes. This thought occured to me this night again while I had the priviledge to catch Sense and Sensibility on Tv, soon after I simply couldn't help myself to search in my old video tapes (yes, next to the dvd we still have a vcr, incredible as it may sound) for the 1940's version of Pride and Prejudice.

I admitt I've always been a helpless romantic in my heart , though I haven't shown it in my real life since I haven't had the oportunity to do so yet.

While I was always fascinated by the two alter ego's of Jane Austen, her rational-calm-proper side and the passionate-romantic-dare to say wild one, the two Dashwood sisters have always reached the highest admiration i could have for a character, therefore i never could imagine one without the other and have always imagined them as an ensemble. It was always a pleasure to see their oposite, yet so much alike features and i admitt i never could help crying over Mr. Ferras's proposal at the end of the movie/book.

Even so, it's so very clear to me that my favorite novel and movie(s) will always be Pride and Prejudice. I almost never know whether Mr Darcy and Elizabeth will end up together or not. Don't get me wrong, if you were to know me, you would probably think of me as the most rational person on the planet when it comes to matters of the heart, but deep down I've always dreamt of being swept off my feet by a misterious, intelligent and yet somehow arogant man like Mr Darcy. Maybe that's because I've always seen myself as Miss Bennet, a bit too aware of everything that's been going on in the world and who maybe thought I knew it all untill being surprised by life.

But that's yet to happen to me.

I need music to live

I started this post with " ok, so who could honestly disagree with me when i say music could be the salvation of one's soul at a certain moment in their life?". The answer came to me shortly after. Probably alot of people!

But then there's us - the music freaks. The "Rock'n'Roll can save the world" People.

Alot of persons would maybe not understand almost an epileptic crisis when you come to touch a new record, but for us it's the most decent thing to do when you come across the new Muse Album for example.

Music is like this magical force that is able to change your mood totally through a song.

I, for example, can't deny how Move Along from The All American Rejects makes me feel I can jump off a building and still be fine, how the guitar solo from Supermassive Black Hole gives me some sence of power and sex appeal that I barely recognise in myself, how I can't help but feel a hopeless romantic when listening to Flightless Bird, American Mouth from Iron & Wine, how the world just seems perfect with Beautiful Day from U2 or how the piano from 9 Crimes instantly makes me sad.

But then there's that One signature song that just defines you in some way so deeply ,that even though you discovered it in '98 in a childish way called VH1, just sticks to the core. Yeah, those are the words that make sence to us when nothing else does, when you feel you're in the movie of your life and in that particular scene, you've found your soundtrack.

Iris - The Goo Goo Dolls. I guess they didn't call the album Dizzy up the Girl for nothing.

So which one is yours?

City of Blinding Lights

Today I thought all day of Paris. No, not Paris Hilton, not the character from the ancient greek play, though who could think of that option other than me right now (?) , but Paris the capital of France, the city where fashion is created right around the corner literally at a street runway, where you dont drink your coffee with muffins, but you eat your muffins with coffee, where the wind sounds like City of Blinding Lights ( the live version), where (..), basically where life happens.
I came back less than a month ago from Paris again. I am seriously considering the fact that i might have been parisian in a past life since I need it in order to feel alive. It might sound like something a teenage-enthusiastic might say, who's probably watched Eurotrip too many times, but it is as true as every one of you.
That might explain why my room has porcelain dolls even though toys don't work for me, musical boxes though they're so last century, real paintings and black and white photographs of the Montmartre Stairway, or maybe hand-made drawings of La Tour Eiffel and Le Notre Dame in spring. Oh, and a scent of cinnamon. People who've been there know what i mean when I say your hands smell aprox. 10 minutes like vanilla and cinnamon after finishing eating the muffin you bought at Paul's - Les Champs Ellysees.
All the future posts in my blog wouldn't be enough for me to capture the esence and magic of Paris. Let's just keep it simple :
1. Musee d'Orsay ( Expressionist Painters )
2. Fashion (Fashion Week + you can't help love the Vogue edition in french)
3. History of basic everything ( don't get me started on the French Revolution or The Royal Houses)
4. La Sorbonne ( As a future jurist it's the sweetest dream).
5. Music - Coldplay this summer , though i'll see it in Amsterdam.

Last thing on the agenda : see Paris through the eyes of your loved one.
"Quand il me prend dans ses bras, il me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose"

Chapter 1, Page 1

It's peculiar. I started writting this initially in my native language, realising shortly after that i don't even recognise that voice of mine. To begin with the begining of my virtual life which starts right now, i am born.
Creating this new world where I'm not allowed myself to enter is rather difficult. What I mean by that, no matter what i shall write, think or feel in this virtual box will be the very esence of my being, shallow or deep at the moment, and it will never reflect my entire way of life, therefore I, as the complexity of numerous factors, will always be a stranger to the soul caught between these words, a stranger just like any other person that might come across and read these phrases for the first time.
I couldn't help but actually ask myself : why a blog? why do people decide to write blogs? What do they actually get out of it - self esteem, accomplishment of some sort, praise from people who aren't interested in praising you in the first place? Or maybe some are simply lonely or scared and this seems the perfect way to hide and still be able to have a voice and pour their heart out without having to face it in their real existence. Maybe it's just a trend.
To be completly and irrevocably honest, though yes,i know the Edit Button exists, I'm not sure why i pressed Create Blog in the first place, but i guess deep down I'm hoping somebody will read whatever i might feel to confess about the world and that would change their entire perception about reality, even if it's just for a few minutes.
I'll try to gather here my most important memories that have influenced me in such a way that led me here. New or old ones, dear and close to me or not, images of my past which used to have something "touchable" about them , but now are just shadows in the form of flashes of all the things that used to be.
I believe that I'll be sleeping with ghosts.