I don't really know how you guys are putting up with this summer, but i can only descriebe it in one word : heat. Even as we speak, i can feel a drop of sweat on my forehead dripping as if it's trying to catch up with my heart rhythm. To be honest, i believe the heat had given me some brain damage, more or else, for i have the impression that i don't have any more impressions. I have been looking blankly into my screen at this blog for days now and i'm wondering " wow, is there anything at all i feel like sharing with the world lately?". The answer to that question is that the world is probably too busy for my thoughts anyway. The world is busy booking plane tickets to exotic destinations, making plans about the month of august, burning car cd's with the latest summery hits. The world is busy trying to find a meaning for its own existence. Don't you ever feel that when you look down on the view of a city from an airplane that it's all so small? All the lives living there or pretending to live, all the houses, all the noise, all the moments, don't they seem insignificant to your own destination, whichever that may be in life? To think sometimes you're the leading role in the movie of your life, not even knowing there are so many stunt actresses or figurants you never knew about but which definetly had an impact on the movie all together through some crazy indirect action? I sometimes wonder if there's anybody out there who doesnt know a thing about me but who will change the course of my life forever in the future. And i wonder if that person wonders about this too. I wonder if we're only 'two lost souls swiming in a fishbowl'.
What am i searching for anyway?

Stop reading my post!

So damn it!

Get out!

Live your life!

Stop thinking about the smallest problem you have now but of which you're certain is the biggest!

Start over!

Leave everything behind if you feel like it!

You can be anything you want to be!

Fuck it, i'm out of here. I'm off to change the world. See you there.

Time has no friends.

06.30 am - My alarm rings.

06.45 am - I finally get out of bed. The sun feels too bright again.

06.50 am - I can hear the water pouring into the sink as i wash my face.

06.51 am - I look into the mirror. White skin..perfectly sculptured face..clear green eyes full of possibility.

07.00 am - I hear the door closing behind me. Alot of green in the horizon.

07.00 am - 22.00 pm - noisy cars, music tracks, friendly figures, less friendly figures, books, deadlines, iced mocha, kissing, torn up dresses, cigarettes, flashing lights, music tracks, noisy cars

22.10 - I hear the door closing in behind me. The house looks empty.

22.25 - I hear the water running down the sink.

22.26 - I wash my face. I look into the mirror. White skin..less perfectly sculptured face..clear green eyes one day lacking possibility.

100 years from now this house belongs to somebody else. The walls have a different shape. The photographs are kept in a box though nobody clearly remembers what their story is. Mine is there too i guess. A feminine shaped figure, with white skin, clear green eyes full of possibility. We only stay perfect for one blink of an eye.

Lowlife

So right now I'm in the kitchen, trying to re'do the dinner menu, since i was so overwhelmed with my thoughts that i burned the first attempt. I like to cook.

And as i was cleaning up the leftover expressionist masterpiece on the counter, i started to wonder..about something i once heard ..god, what was it again? See, let's pretend you're on death row. What would you want your last meal to be? (Smile) , i think i'd choose a chocolate cake. I love chocolate you know. I think it's my most intense vice. Other than my music that is. And speaking so..if you were on death row, what song would you like to last listen to? Tell me, what?

While cutting the tomatoes with a firm movement, i glanced at the knife, simply because i saw the reflection of my own eyes in the blade and for a moment it startled me. So indeed, there is a last time for everything. Do you ever think about that?

What book will be the last one you read? what movie will be the last one you see ? whose lips you're last going to kiss? We're all on death row you know..

I know you're not ready to live, but are you ready to die?

Murder on the dancefloor

Lately my life has become a chain of parties that seem to stop only to make room for others. It's incredibile, really. I have never acted my age, ever since i've known myself, mainly for the reason that i often considered such hedonist activities way beneath my intelectual depth. I guess that would explain why i almost never went to parties in highschool, why I was always the "boring" one who rathered read a book or have a conversation about philosophy than go out. It's amazing how even though i was always so picky with the intelectual abilities of the people who surounded me, I still always managed to be desired in almost any group of people i've met, whether they proved to be luxorious and snobish or poor but adventurous , intelectuals or full of shalowness, you name it. It's mostly because i believe a real intelligent human being can ajust to any type of situation and person.

And as I was saying, lately I've started exploring new sides of my personality that i didn't even know existed. Or let me rephase that - I knew they existed but i definetly never thought they would respond to such stimulus.

Ok, so I finally started acting like i'm in my twenties, mostly for an experiment to prove myself i am capable of that. But even so, after all the flashy lights, the loud music that sounded like noise, the drinking and smoking and making out with women against my better judgement only because "it's fun", after all the frenzy, i find myself lying in bed the next day, smoking slowly but with imense passion a cigarette while contemplating about the drug of this sweet exhaustion upon one's body, mind, life. And i realised that in such states you forget about yourself, about your issues, about yesterday or tomorrow. It's just another method people use in order to distract themselves from recognising their own reality. They convince themselves they're "living on the edge", that they're enjoying every second like there's no tomorrow, when in fact they are all lonely souls hoping the next bar they will show up at will host that incredible happiness they're looking for. And you end up in the company of some guy that buys you a drink, have sex with in his car, and never call him/hear from him again. And it's all fun, it's all excitement..untill you wake up. That's when you look around and you realise the room you were in last night looked better from what you remembered it to be, a bit more colourfull, a bit more misterious..just a bit more. Kinda like what you remember your life to be ,last time you took the time to check.

Mercy on the raindrops

Today the rain sounds like "Use somebody". Not KOL, but Tyler Hilton's cover on the piano.

It's so weird..every breath i take is calm, well-measured, as if it's trying to synchronize with the drops exploding at the touch of my window. It's funny, in my native language we have a saying that states such a weather is perfect only for making babies. But who could think of love now in some ordinary form it may occur to you, when such feelings are so overated even by your own heart? We forget how to love. We forget the thrill of those "incredibly-amazing-butterflies-in-your-stomache-tingling-in-your-toes" types of kisses. We get too caught up in the long run for existence. We lie to ourselves and we fake love just like a whore you pick up off the streets fakes orgasms after orgasms. Or like any life'less human soul for that matter.

Be with me, touch my reality, taste my air.* Let's conspire to ignite all the souls that would die..just to feel alive*. Or at least, live like you mean it. A life you don't live is still lost.

I'm a little divided ,

, you see. I'm lucky enough to live two lives. One is the every-day reality that most people find me in and the other one is through these words. I dare say, almost all the people with whom i interact daily cannot see so deep as to even recognise me in these short virtual confessions. Do you have that? The feeling that this capitalistic society makes you adopt a practical, pragmatic attitude as to "fitt in", but in fact, it actually drowns your spirit in shallowness?

I get sad, sometimes, you know. It's because i know, i feel with all my being that i could do greater things in my life than choose the expected expectations : the job, the familly, the friends, the house, everything as " it should be". I wish i had the courage to devote my life to a purpose so pure that in no matter what form it shall be materialised, it will live forever. And people will apreciate me because i left something valuable behind.

~I woke one morning and I felt such a sence of posibility that I thought " this is the begining of happiness", but what i wasn't aware of at that time is that That was happiness. Right there. That moment~ .

I sence that i am letting my spirit die in full awareness of my situation. I seize to find something that speaks to my heart, a person who can understand this by looking into my eyes and seing more than their own desires of what i could be. I wish somebody could understand how much i feel the need for emotional depth without the chains of mass uniformisation.

Hello? Anynone?